Roaming Revenant

I’m a young adult with a partner of many years. When it comes to sex with others – I’m quite fluid and often act on impulse without set boundaries or expectations. However everything that I do does not conflict with my moral code and I have a high respect for my partner and the people I meet.

I used to be very detached from emotional connections with others and treated sex more like a mechanical exercise. But as I grew older – I realised that it was a defence mechanism. I simply didn’t want to show vulnerability or the real me. A detached facade was a wall that I built and maintained simply for fear of rejection. The wall was too thick and the guard had to come down. I was always on the fringe, on the periphery, never jumping in to fully allow myself to meet and make connections (whatever they may be).

To me it’s natural to act on physical connection even though we are just friends. Of course the other person has their feelings too and I will respect that. But if they reject me because I’m partnered – all I can do is accept it, but I will grieve the loss of a friendship.

I get that some people are monogamous, but if they are not – how can they judge my relationship that they don’t even know about? I feel sometimes it’s just a projection of their fears that makes me ineligible for friendship in their eyes., or perhaps not. I think that my relationship has no bearing on it, but not everyone sees it this way and I have to step away.

Everyone wants to be loved, everyone wants to be respected, everyone wants to feels like they belong. People say they want friendship but actually they start thinking about something more. And it’s a shame as it overshadows a possible friendship that can be fulfilling. By allowing a friendship to grow you allow love in your life too.

If you can look into the seeds of time,

And say which grain will grow and which will not.

Cruising circles are like massive melting pots of people – there is a chance to cross paths with someone from completely different walks of life. Wherever you are in the world – it’s easy to make connections. But sadly sometimes they fizzle out just as fast as they start. Perhaps I’m naive in thinking that every friendship will last forever.

Still I’m undeterred and I’m happy to meet new people and make new connections. It may sounds a bit silly and pretentious but I don’t want to squander the opportunity to fuck my way through life that was given to me.